A Lost Love

Her name was Jennifer Swanson - a woman who was strikingly beautiful and whom I had determined to have zero chance even speaking to. The first time I noticed her was during an upper level non-fiction writing class. I sat towards the back of the room while she was placed in the middle. At certain times, I would stare at her and not pay attention to what was going on in the class. I just had to talk to her, even if it was just "hello." But that would be difficult, because I had always been shy, especially when it came to striking up conversations with pretty girls. The non-fiction writing class would not be the one where I would "introduce" myself to her, so to speak, but later on in my college career.

It was the next winter semester and Jennifer and I would end up having another class together. I remember entering the classroom and the room was packed with people. I managed to find one of a few remaining empty seats and it was up towards the front of the class. The classroom ended up being way too small for the class and we eventually moved into a bigger room. But on that first day of class, I wasn't the last one to enter the room. Jennifer ended up being one of the last to show up. She found a seat on the other side of the room and she was striking up a conversation with another fellow classmate with whom I had class with prior. I was feeling pretty jealous but I knew if I kept my courage up, I would get a chance to talk with her. Hey, the semester lasted around four months long. I figured that was a lot of time to bump into her.

I can't remember the exact details of our first official conversation, but we bumped into each other outside of the classroom in the hallway during one of our breaks. I remember a feeling of euphoria coming over me as I talked with her. She was so easy to talk to; I felt comfortable and didn't stumble over my words. I knew that she was single because she had brought it up during her introduction to the rest of the class when the semester first began. From that point on, I continued to talk to her whenever I got the chance. However, it remained simply a college friendship and nothing outside of the campus life.

We would end up being part of another class together the semester following. She even sat right next to me in that class as I was the most familiar face that she knew. And despite the class being absolutely useless - she actually made it fun for me to attend. I know we would converse about the teacher and her being an absolute dingbat. The professor seemed absolutely unprepared to teach and her syllabus was so unorganized. Despite that, Jenny made all of the headaches involved with the class go away. She was an absolute joy to be around and I was a total fool for not making that next step and arranging a date outside of school with her. Who knows what life could've been like if she would've been more involved with me? And even if she only wanted to remain just friends - at least I would've know.

After that semester, I lost all contact with Jennifer. Those were the days prior to facebook and myspace - so I really didn't have a source where I could find her. I know she talked about flunking out of the second class we had together and she was looking forward to officially being done with school after the last semester we had that class together. All I can guess is that she either quit college altogether, graduated (barely), or transferred to a new school. I know that she lived in Illinois originally and that she possibly went to be closer to home. In other words, she was no longer in the local area. Also during that last class we had together, she revealed that she had a boyfriend but that the relationship was "new." I felt that all but quashed my chances of us being an item. Foolish me - I was so naive.

Hard to believe, but it's been five years since I've talked with Jenny. She's been on my mind recently which is why I thought she would be a good topic to discuss in my blog. Where ever she is - I hope she is happy. And if she happens to see this blog about her, I hope she even remembers who I am. She may not have felt the same way about me that I do about her, but she still holds a special place in my heart. And on the very slim chances that we ever to talk again, I hope I am able to tell her how I really feel about her, even if she is married to someone else. You know, I've had a lot of missed opportunites when it came to women in my life, but not initiating a relationship with Jennifer is probably the biggest missed opportunity of them all and it's something I'll live with for the rest of my life.