Saying Goodbye

How do you begin to say goodbye to someone that's been part of your whole life? That's what I'm about to do in this blog, in speaking about my Grandma Lillian who passed away earlier this afternoon from a lengthy illness. Me and my family went to visit her yesterday - which ended up being the final time I got to see her alive. Seeing her in the condition she was in was very hard. But it was even harder when it was time for us to leave. She wasn't responsive the whole time we were there, which was about two hours. Her body seemed so lifeless, although she was still breathing. She would flinch every now and again and was in a very deep sleep. But she never opened her eyes. And I didn't get a chance to speak with her one last time. Either way, I still think it would've been difficult saying goodbye to her. As it was as we exited her room, when knowing that was going to be the final time I'd see her in person, I began to weep uncontrollably. I thought I did a good job of staying strong up until that point. I got a little misty-eyed at times, but I just couldn't hold it in at that point. Well, what are you gonna do? She was my grandmother after all. And now, the grieving process begins.

She died around noon with my sister, one of her sons, and a grandson by her side. In somewhat of an amazing coincidence or simply a matter of fate, my sister entered the room and just as she arrived, my grandma took one final, long breath and then passed away. My sister is a nurse at the hospital where she was and although she wasn't officially on duty the past few days, last night she took care of grandma. My sister woke her up at one point, communicated to her who all had been there the past few days to see her, which then she moaned a response, kind of cleaned up her face, and then told her she'd be there the next day to see her. Even though it seemed like grandma wasn't responsive, we still believe she knew what was going on. She knew that my sister was going to be back that next day around 11:30 and noon, and she waited. She waited to stick it out just a bit longer for my sister to arrive before breathing her last breath. Take it how you will, but my sister probably held the deepest connection to my grandma out of all of us. Her temperament, personality, to even physical features mirrored my grandma. So it only makes sense she would be there to see grandma pass away.

I'll say this about Grandma Lillian, she was a very strong woman. During her illness, she endured a lot of pain; oftentimes excruciating pain. I never saw her cry about anything and she wasn't afraid to speak her mind. No, she wasn't the sweet, pleasant granny you see in cartoons. But it's what made her unique. She didn't put up with a lot of crap but she was sweet in her own ways, too. She always sent cards for important occasions and never stopped giving presents, either, even in her deteriorating condition. Whenever she needed something fixed at her house, either my dad or I would help out. We've done a lot for her over the years and although her illness was slowly zapping energy away from her, it was still grandma. She was feisty, stubborn, funny, sometimes zany, and usually a lot of fun. All of these and more are reasons to miss her.

You know, it's difficult to recall every single fond memory about grandma in just one blog. I had been trying to remember some of the most prolific to write about in preparation of her death. We knew as of Saturday that she wasn't much longer for this world. I had began thinking of the times when she would tag along with me and my parents when we went to watch both of my sisters play basketball in high school. No matter how far away they were, she'd come along. If the games were close enough to one of the bigger cities that had a fast food restaurant, we'd make a stop before going home to have a bite to eat. Just having her be in our presence was a real treat during those basketball trips. And when I got old enough to start playing basketball, she'd come to my games. But eventually she couldn't hack sitting in the bleachers anymore as they would hurt her back. So it got to the point where she couldn't come anymore. Oh well, it didn't matter anyways as I would end up quitting basketball altogether after my freshman year. Still, she was one supporter I enjoyed seeing in the stands.

One of her passions was bingo. Prior to her getting sick, she'd go bingo every night she could. I even accompanied her one time along with my mom to bingo. Neither of us won anything, but just seeing her in her glory was a real treat. I'll never forget the time when she, my mom and sister all won these huge jackpots at a bingo hall that has since closed up. I swear, that was the biggest highlight of her life when she won that much money. Even when she was pretty frail, just a year or two back, she'd venture out just to go bingo. It was an activity that was the highlight of her elderly life. I often think she loved it more than life itself. But it allowed her to get out of the house and to stay active. It didn't matter how many times we told her to quit, she still went anyways. I wouldn't say she was addicted, but pretty darn close. She didn't gamble away her money at least, although she never lived a truly extravagant life, either.

I don't care how much a person tries to prepare themselves about losing a loved one. For us, we had two, even three years to prepare for her ultimate death. She proved a lot of people wrong, especially the doctors who told her she had six months to a year to live. She lost weight and people thought that was such a great thing. No it wasn't great because she was starving herself because of the immense pain she would get in her stomach if she even tried eating a lot. She would eat just tiny portions as that's all she could handle. Like I said, she was a tough woman. She lived with diabetes for at least 15 years, suffered from a stroke that left part of her left side paralyzed, endured a heart attack during one of her last operations that left her heart weak, and stomach problems that ultimately cost her life in the end. The veins in her stomach ended up getting calcified and because of her condition - there's no way she could've gone through surgery and survived. Her intestines became blocked and gangrene set in. She struggled for a long time and put up with a lot. She outlived the projections they gave on her life. She was an amazing woman and I couldn't be more proud of her. And with that, I ultimately say goodbye, god bless, and may Grandma Lillian rest in peace up in heaven. She no longer has to suffer.