The last few days I've been listening to songs that hold great meaning for me. There's one that's uplifting, others are reflective and one that's celebratory, of sorts. Some of them really help to bring out some emotion in me. If anything, they make me very sentimental. As I'm sure you know, this week has been pretty trying. Each new day is a tad bit better than the last; but it's going to take it's time. I can't expect myself to get over my grandmother's death in an instant; if I did, I'd consider myself to be downright heartless. Apparently I didn't realize how much of an effect she really had on me. Believe me, when she was in relative good health, she could be a pretty sassy woman. I know my mom would get disgusted with her in regards to some of her comments or actions. But I really think her illness tamed her. And I guess "illness" is the best way to describe it, because she had a multitude of problems. It's not like she had cancer; but it was very similar to cancer. Diabetes is what ultimately caused her death. It's been well over 10 years since she was diagnosed with it. As years passed by, her arteries got clogged. She even had to have some of her veins in her one leg bypassed because they were plugged. Then, arteries in her stomach became clogged and at that point, they couldn't do anything for her. They tried stents, but they were useless. She was in too weakened of a state to undergo bypass surgeries, so she was left to live out the rest of her life. And thus, that brings us up to the present day.
I got back to my apartment last night after an extended visit home. I was supposed to be back at work Tuesday morning but because of my grandma's death, I was on funeral leave for three additional days. Not exactly a great way to extend your weekend, that's for sure. But upon settling down, I walked over to the table and saw the Christmas cards I had received over the recent holidays. I picked up the one I received from my grandma with the signature saying "Love Grandma." I couldn't help but to tear up a little. I had other cards from various holidays stacked up under my table and I purposely went through the ones my grandma had sent. Each one holds a little more meaning for me now. Typically after awhile, I'd throw them out. I think I'll hold onto all of the ones I've collected from grandma for a long, long while.
Anything she gave me for gifts over the years will hold extra special meaning for me; there's no doubt about it. There are many shirts she's gotten me; one I've been wearing quite often lately because of our recent cold spell. It's a black and white checkered flannel shirt. It's so darn comfortable that I'll be wearing it a lot; as long as the weather stays cold. The slippers on my feet that I'm currently wearing were from grandma. The towels in my bathroom, the lunchbox in my closet, to the large canister of peanuts. Those are all from her. My grandmother may be gone in person, but she'll always remain with me in spirit. And all of those physical items will help me to remember her by in the years to come.
I hope for the readers of my blog, whether you follow it fairly frequently or check in every once in awhile - that you don't mind me rambling on and on about my grandma and her recent passing. I think in a way it's helping me to grieve by getting my words out there. In time, my blogs will return to discussing every day topics. But in the meantime, this is like a written memorial to my grandma. This blog initially started with a musical theme in mind but soon transitioned into my emotional state. Well, the meaningful songs I've been listening to lately have also helped me to grieve in a way. Their messages are poweful; and they really get you thinking about life. One of them I wrote about a little while back as part of my "inspirational music" series. It's a song by Kansas titled "Dust in the Wind."
Last but not least is a classic by ol' blue eyes himself; Frank Sinatra. I don't know how I happened to think of this song but it is just so fitting for circumstances like these. It's definitely a song of reflection, one of contemplation and of life choices. It's definitely a song that focuses on life and the decisions that went into completing this "life." And at the end of the day after the reflecting is over, this individual lived this life to their choosing because after all, "Yes it was (my) their way." It's none other than "My Way."
No comments:
Post a Comment