Meaningful Songs in Times of Sorrow

The last few days I've been listening to songs that hold great meaning for me. There's one that's uplifting, others are reflective and one that's celebratory, of sorts. Some of them really help to bring out some emotion in me. If anything, they make me very sentimental. As I'm sure you know, this week has been pretty trying. Each new day is a tad bit better than the last; but it's going to take it's time. I can't expect myself to get over my grandmother's death in an instant; if I did, I'd consider myself to be downright heartless. Apparently I didn't realize how much of an effect she really had on me. Believe me, when she was in relative good health, she could be a pretty sassy woman. I know my mom would get disgusted with her in regards to some of her comments or actions. But I really think her illness tamed her. And I guess "illness" is the best way to describe it, because she had a multitude of problems. It's not like she had cancer; but it was very similar to cancer. Diabetes is what ultimately caused her death. It's been well over 10 years since she was diagnosed with it. As years passed by, her arteries got clogged. She even had to have some of her veins in her one leg bypassed because they were plugged. Then, arteries in her stomach became clogged and at that point, they couldn't do anything for her. They tried stents, but they were useless. She was in too weakened of a state to undergo bypass surgeries, so she was left to live out the rest of her life. And thus, that brings us up to the present day.

I got back to my apartment last night after an extended visit home. I was supposed to be back at work Tuesday morning but because of my grandma's death, I was on funeral leave for three additional days. Not exactly a great way to extend your weekend, that's for sure. But upon settling down, I walked over to the table and saw the Christmas cards I had received over the recent holidays. I picked up the one I received from my grandma with the signature saying "Love Grandma." I couldn't help but to tear up a little. I had other cards from various holidays stacked up under my table and I purposely went through the ones my grandma had sent. Each one holds a little more meaning for me now. Typically after awhile, I'd throw them out. I think I'll hold onto all of the ones I've collected from grandma for a long, long while.

Anything she gave me for gifts over the years will hold extra special meaning for me; there's no doubt about it. There are many shirts she's gotten me; one I've been wearing quite often lately because of our recent cold spell. It's a black and white checkered flannel shirt. It's so darn comfortable that I'll be wearing it a lot; as long as the weather stays cold. The slippers on my feet that I'm currently wearing were from grandma. The towels in my bathroom, the lunchbox in my closet, to the large canister of peanuts. Those are all from her. My grandmother may be gone in person, but she'll always remain with me in spirit. And all of those physical items will help me to remember her by in the years to come.

I hope for the readers of my blog, whether you follow it fairly frequently or check in every once in awhile - that you don't mind me rambling on and on about my grandma and her recent passing. I think in a way it's helping me to grieve by getting my words out there. In time, my blogs will return to discussing every day topics. But in the meantime, this is like a written memorial to my grandma. This blog initially started with a musical theme in mind but soon transitioned into my emotional state. Well, the meaningful songs I've been listening to lately have also helped me to grieve in a way. Their messages are poweful; and they really get you thinking about life. One of them I wrote about a little while back as part of my "inspirational music" series. It's a song by Kansas titled "Dust in the Wind."



Last but not least is a classic by ol' blue eyes himself; Frank Sinatra. I don't know how I happened to think of this song but it is just so fitting for circumstances like these. It's definitely a song of reflection, one of contemplation and of life choices. It's definitely a song that focuses on life and the decisions that went into completing this "life." And at the end of the day after the reflecting is over, this individual lived this life to their choosing because after all, "Yes it was (my) their way." It's none other than "My Way."

The Spiritual World

It's been three days since my grandmother passed and although I still have difficult moments in dealing with her death, overall I'd say I'm doing fine. She didn't want us to grieve too much for her and we have to keep in mind that she is in a much better place now, no longer having to suffer with the pains of her illness that she had to put up with for so long. What still gets me down is when I think about her laying in that hospital bed suffering and so drugged up. Then her telling my mom two night's before her death that she's going to miss her. Death is just so final. There's no turning back; no way to turn back time. All that remains are the memories. My grandma was just short of her 80th birthday, which she would've turned in June of this year. My mom and sister were going to plan a small party for her and as a matter of fact, they were talking about this a few days prior to her getting deathly ill. Unfortunately, it wasn't meant to be.

My grandmother's passing was the first real death I've had to deal with in my family ever since I was real little, when both of my grandfather's passed away less than a year apart when I was five years old. It's been a real eye-opening experience for me. And what makes it easier to deal with is the fact that we've had two to three years to prepare for her ultimate passing. We knew it would happen eventually; we just didn't know when. Luckily for us, she was able to be with us for a lot longer than the doctors had initially predicted. Now I am left to wonder what it must've been like for her to die in those circumstances and leave everything behind. Dying is a part of life. We all must experience it at some time or another. Some experience it sooner than others. But I have to wonder what it must be like for her up in heaven now. What was her journey like from the real world to the spiritual world? What is it like to see friends and family members that have passed before her again? All of these truly are fascinating topics to ponder.

Needless to say, my grandmother's death has sparked my interest in knowing exactly what happens when people die. People have all sorts of opinions on what actually happens when we die. Some believe nothing happens when we pass on, while others believe we make the journey into heaven. A lot of our opinions are based on the religion we are part of. The common belief is that that there is a transition that takes place between human life and the spiritual. For those individuals that have experienced near-death occurrences, they claim to have had an out-of-body experience where a person's soul is outside of the actual body over looking the surroundings at the time the person has died and the soul not being able to communicate with anyone else who may be there. Then there's a transition to a light at the end of the tunnel; a darkened space which gradually opens up to a lighted area. People have also claimed to experience the overwhelming feeling of love upon arriving to the spiritual world, where they are greeted by spirits; angels if you will. There, they are communicated to - and for those who aren't ready to die yet, they are sent back to their bodies to live out the rest of their life. For those that may not believe in this kind of thing, you should check out some of the real-life accounts on YouTube. I am not here to sway people into believing something completely different from what they are used to. But the process of transitioning from human to spiritual life is a fascinating, yet heavy topic. Some people just aren't comfortable talking about it. That is completely understandable, too.

I guess you could say what actually happens to us after we die is still mostly a mystery. People have had first hand accounts of nearly dying but then coming back to life. Are we to believe that what they recall is true? There definitely seems to be a pattern amongst all of these near-death experiences. But it still is a secret; a mystery that we'll never be able to understand until we've reached that point. The idea of not knowing can be frightening, yet fascinating as well. We just can't completely shut out that idea - otherwise we'll be in for one big surprise once we get into the spiritual world.

Saying Goodbye

How do you begin to say goodbye to someone that's been part of your whole life? That's what I'm about to do in this blog, in speaking about my Grandma Lillian who passed away earlier this afternoon from a lengthy illness. Me and my family went to visit her yesterday - which ended up being the final time I got to see her alive. Seeing her in the condition she was in was very hard. But it was even harder when it was time for us to leave. She wasn't responsive the whole time we were there, which was about two hours. Her body seemed so lifeless, although she was still breathing. She would flinch every now and again and was in a very deep sleep. But she never opened her eyes. And I didn't get a chance to speak with her one last time. Either way, I still think it would've been difficult saying goodbye to her. As it was as we exited her room, when knowing that was going to be the final time I'd see her in person, I began to weep uncontrollably. I thought I did a good job of staying strong up until that point. I got a little misty-eyed at times, but I just couldn't hold it in at that point. Well, what are you gonna do? She was my grandmother after all. And now, the grieving process begins.

She died around noon with my sister, one of her sons, and a grandson by her side. In somewhat of an amazing coincidence or simply a matter of fate, my sister entered the room and just as she arrived, my grandma took one final, long breath and then passed away. My sister is a nurse at the hospital where she was and although she wasn't officially on duty the past few days, last night she took care of grandma. My sister woke her up at one point, communicated to her who all had been there the past few days to see her, which then she moaned a response, kind of cleaned up her face, and then told her she'd be there the next day to see her. Even though it seemed like grandma wasn't responsive, we still believe she knew what was going on. She knew that my sister was going to be back that next day around 11:30 and noon, and she waited. She waited to stick it out just a bit longer for my sister to arrive before breathing her last breath. Take it how you will, but my sister probably held the deepest connection to my grandma out of all of us. Her temperament, personality, to even physical features mirrored my grandma. So it only makes sense she would be there to see grandma pass away.

I'll say this about Grandma Lillian, she was a very strong woman. During her illness, she endured a lot of pain; oftentimes excruciating pain. I never saw her cry about anything and she wasn't afraid to speak her mind. No, she wasn't the sweet, pleasant granny you see in cartoons. But it's what made her unique. She didn't put up with a lot of crap but she was sweet in her own ways, too. She always sent cards for important occasions and never stopped giving presents, either, even in her deteriorating condition. Whenever she needed something fixed at her house, either my dad or I would help out. We've done a lot for her over the years and although her illness was slowly zapping energy away from her, it was still grandma. She was feisty, stubborn, funny, sometimes zany, and usually a lot of fun. All of these and more are reasons to miss her.

You know, it's difficult to recall every single fond memory about grandma in just one blog. I had been trying to remember some of the most prolific to write about in preparation of her death. We knew as of Saturday that she wasn't much longer for this world. I had began thinking of the times when she would tag along with me and my parents when we went to watch both of my sisters play basketball in high school. No matter how far away they were, she'd come along. If the games were close enough to one of the bigger cities that had a fast food restaurant, we'd make a stop before going home to have a bite to eat. Just having her be in our presence was a real treat during those basketball trips. And when I got old enough to start playing basketball, she'd come to my games. But eventually she couldn't hack sitting in the bleachers anymore as they would hurt her back. So it got to the point where she couldn't come anymore. Oh well, it didn't matter anyways as I would end up quitting basketball altogether after my freshman year. Still, she was one supporter I enjoyed seeing in the stands.

One of her passions was bingo. Prior to her getting sick, she'd go bingo every night she could. I even accompanied her one time along with my mom to bingo. Neither of us won anything, but just seeing her in her glory was a real treat. I'll never forget the time when she, my mom and sister all won these huge jackpots at a bingo hall that has since closed up. I swear, that was the biggest highlight of her life when she won that much money. Even when she was pretty frail, just a year or two back, she'd venture out just to go bingo. It was an activity that was the highlight of her elderly life. I often think she loved it more than life itself. But it allowed her to get out of the house and to stay active. It didn't matter how many times we told her to quit, she still went anyways. I wouldn't say she was addicted, but pretty darn close. She didn't gamble away her money at least, although she never lived a truly extravagant life, either.

I don't care how much a person tries to prepare themselves about losing a loved one. For us, we had two, even three years to prepare for her ultimate death. She proved a lot of people wrong, especially the doctors who told her she had six months to a year to live. She lost weight and people thought that was such a great thing. No it wasn't great because she was starving herself because of the immense pain she would get in her stomach if she even tried eating a lot. She would eat just tiny portions as that's all she could handle. Like I said, she was a tough woman. She lived with diabetes for at least 15 years, suffered from a stroke that left part of her left side paralyzed, endured a heart attack during one of her last operations that left her heart weak, and stomach problems that ultimately cost her life in the end. The veins in her stomach ended up getting calcified and because of her condition - there's no way she could've gone through surgery and survived. Her intestines became blocked and gangrene set in. She struggled for a long time and put up with a lot. She outlived the projections they gave on her life. She was an amazing woman and I couldn't be more proud of her. And with that, I ultimately say goodbye, god bless, and may Grandma Lillian rest in peace up in heaven. She no longer has to suffer.

Layoffs Begin

It's hard to believe that it's January already - almost 60 days have passed since I informed you that layoffs would take place where I work, affecting some 350 employees. I am relieved to say that I am not one of those individuals being laid off. But there are a lot of co-workers that are, people I work with day in and day out and for them, I feel very sorry for. Many of them have families and are raising young kids, even. They can't afford to be laid off. There's unemployment - but that's nowhere close to a regular week's pay. You just have to hope that for everyone involved, the economy will make a quick turn around and we'll be producing iron ore pellets just like we've been able to do for the past few years.

The problem is, nobody seems to know how long this economic downturn will last. The best predictions seem to say at least a year, if not longer. But like I said, that's not even set in stone. Additionally, another 75 people will be laid off beginning in March. People with more seniority than me are being laid off in the next round. Now I have a job that has pretty good job security which is why I shouldn't get affected with the newest round of layoffs. But who's to say they don't need as many people with the same job classification as me? Maybe they only need half as many people that's required to run the place right now. That could mean I'd be laid off as well. You just never know how things can turn up. And with the amount of rumors that have been going wild at that place for the last month, you can't really pay much attention to it. All you can do is stay vigilant and hope for the best and to not let all the rumors get to your head.

So it's official; the layoffs will begin starting this Sunday and another round comes in March. The full listing of names on the new list have not been revealed, but I am expecting not to be laid off then. But I'm not counting my chickens before they're hatched, because anything can happen. I don't want to get my hopes up too high that'll I'll be safe, otherwise I might be in for a big fall. Our production has been cut back to 2.7 million tons of pellets for the year, compared to the 5 million we produced last year. So as you can see, it's a big drop off which is why we won't need near as many people running the plant as in the past few years. From one end of the plant to the other, it's 0.75 of a mile long. I would say only 0.25 of it will be running this year. And until the global economy picks up and there's more of a demand for steel, that's probably where it'll stay.

Eye Exam

For those of you who have known me personally for quite awhile, you know that I've worn glasses since junior high (and actually I should've been wearing them prior to that - I was just scared of wearing them. I think that's covered in another blog). Every couple of years, I go and have an eye exam done and if my vision has gotten worse or my glasses are ready to fall apart, I go ahead and get new ones. The lenses on my current glasses became all scratched and at some point during late-summer to early-fall, the lenses got coated with a residue, something like spray paint over spray. We were able to get the residue off but the lenses need to be replaced because they are so scratched up. So I figured it was as good of time as any to get an eye exam and new glasses. This took place on Saturday.

Going in to see the eye doctor is not a favorite thing for me to do; but it's just one of those things that has to be done. I must say, the place that I go and get my eyes checked are real good at what they do. They've been around for about five years, if I'd have to guess, and they're such great supporters of the community. The eye doctor there has the ability to take pictures of the back of your eye to see if the muscles and the base of the eye all look healthy. I would say the extent of the examination of the eyes at this place is very thorough, so if he saw anything that was of a concern, he'd definitely be able to discover it. The good thing is that both eyes were healthy and my vision had only changed very slightly for the worse. That's always a good thing.

So it ended up being another excellent eye exam for another couple of years. And seeing how the insurance at work has changed, I have the option of getting an eye exam every year now. If my eyes get any worse within the year, I can go back and get a new pair of glasses again! I don't forsee that happening, as ever since junior high, my eyes have changed very minorly each time I've visited the eye doctor. I still don't feel comfortable to the idea of having contacts, plus it'd be one less of a hassle I'd have to deal with. So for now, I'm happy with my glasses. And in about a week's time, the new ones should be in.

Closing Down

Rumors have been running rampant that Hudson's Classic Grill in Marquette will soon be closing it's doors, on the heels of other eateries like Fazoli's and The Waterfront Restaurant. I had a hard time believing a place like Hudson's would be closing - because it always seemed like one of the more popular restaurants around. There always seemed to be people coming in and out of that place and for awhile and they advertised pretty heavily on the local radio. But after eating at this restaurant tonight, I've gotta say the writing is on the wall that Hudson's will be the next eatery to close down in the Marquette area - and I can't totally blame the economy on this one.

We get there around 4:00 in the afternoon - and it's Saturday. You would think it would be a little busier than it was, but only a few tables in the restaurant were occupied. We sit at one of the booths in the non-smoking section and wait for our server, as the person who showed us to our table said she would. She was no where to be found, so he got us our drinks and we waited for her to show. She finally did; and we were ready at that time to order. So we waited, and waited, and waited some more for our order to arrive. Like I said, the restaurant was not very busy at all. The food should've arrived in a much more timely fashion than it did. There wasn't a single person around us and the only other customers at this restaurant were at the other side of the room! Still, we waited and my dad was getting more and more pissed by the minute. I honestly think he was about to say something right before our food came. Did I mention the prices in the entire menu went up by about a minimum of a dollar for each item? Yeah - some of their food is getting to be downright outrageous. Let's just say we had very poor service the entire time we were at Hudson's. Our waitress only asked us one time if our food was ok; and that was after we had almost consumed everything. We hardly even saw her at all the entire time we were there! She didn't ask either me or my dad for a refill - that job went to one of her fellow employees who just happened to notice as he walked by. Needless to say when we left, we didn't leave a tip.

I had no gripes about the food; it was as good as always. But the service in general was very poor. We had a long wait for our food despite the fact that the restaurant had very few customers, our waitress was very poor in her service and the price of our meals were outrageous. That, and you combine the fact that on a Saturday afternoon when at least half of that restaurant should be full when only a few tables were occupied, all of the signs are pointing towards an impending closure of Hudson's. I hope I am wrong, because it's been one of my favorite local eateries since it opened last decade. But the writing is on the wall that this place won't last very much longer into the new year if this continues.

Songs I Dig - Top 10 Songs of '08

Howdy folks; welcome to this very special edition of the "Songs I Dig." Instead of presenting to you five new or recent songs that I find to be great to listen to as of this moment, I am going to look back upon 2008 and present to you the songs in which I think are the top ten of the entire year. All of these seletions were on the "Songs I Dig" blog at some point during the year, so I can promise you no surprises. It took a little bit of work and deliberation on my part in deciding exactly which song should receive top honor for the entire year and where the rest of the songs should fall in the countdown. For those that follow this blog regularly, rarely do I ever present the SID blog in a countdown format. Well, the year-in-review SID blog will be a countdown. So, with all of that out of the way, I now present to you the top ten songs of 2008, as part of the "Songs I Dig" blog at "Luke's Ponderings." Enjoy!

#10 - "One Step at a Time" by Jordin Sparks: 2008 was a very good year for season 6 winner of American Idol Jordin Sparks. Her debut, self-titled album has achieved platinum status here in the United States and all three of her songs off the album have been hits, including "One Step at a Time." Now Jordin will have to step to the plate and deliver a strong performance for her sophomore album. It might be a tough follow-up for her.

#9 - "Disturbia" by Rihanna: Here is an artist that had a huge year in 2008. It seems like everything she touches turns to gold (or platinum). Not only did she release the catchy and unique song "Disturbia" in the past year, but also other hits such as "Don't Stop the Music," "Take a Bow," and "If I Never See Your Face Again," a duet with Maroon 5. Don't look for her to stop anytime soon; her fourth studio album is set for release in 2009.

#8 - "Broken" by Lifehouse: This turned out to be a favorite of mine during the year, as "Broken" is a soothing power ballad with great vocals and a haunting sound. It was the third song from their fourth studio album, "Who We Are." In my honest opinion, "Broken" is probably the best song released from the album, but it's kind of neck-and-neck with "Whatever it Takes," which was another big hit for Lifehouse in 2008.

#7 - "Say" by John Mayer: I get the feeling that John Mayer is an artist that doesn't get the kind of recognition or respect that he deserves. Say what you will about the guy; one thing he most certainly is is an established singer/song-writer. "Say" brought him great success in the year 2008, propelled after the song was featured in the soundtrack to the movie "The Bucket List" featuring Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman. Don't sleep on John Mayer, either, as it won't be long before we hear another future hit from him very soon.

#6 - "Fall for You" by Secondhand Serenade: Congratulations are in order for this group, who became a household name in 2008 after their smash single "Fall For You" was released from their album "A Twist in My Story." "Fall For You" has already been classified as a platinum hit, and it's not very hard to understand why. It's one of those love songs that's easy to get behind and understand. Heck, it easily could become a new couple's wedding song, it's that good.

#5 - "Shake It" by Metro Station: Who would've thought that a Cyrus family member other than Miley would've had one of the best songs of 2008? Metro Station is comprised of Trace Cyrus, Blake Healy, Mason Musso, and Anthony Improgo and together they composed a very catchy, upbeat, and fun song to dance to in "Shake It." The song is what really propelled them to stardom in 2008 and it wouldn't surprise me to hear from them again in the new year.

#4 - "Come On Get Higher" by Matt Nathanson: I love it when an artist with very little notoriety releases a song that becomes one of the biggest hits of the whole year. Matt Nathanson is no stranger to the music industry, but he's never had a hit song quite like "Come On Get Higher." And with only two songs released from his current album, "Some Mad Hope," expect one or two more releases from his album in 2009.

#3 - "Viva La Vida" by Coldplay: Talk about one of the biggest hits of the year; it was unusual NOT to hear this song played every hour this past fall. With the way this group continues to put out hits, I'd be surprised if they broke up anytime soon (there was talk of them putting out new music for a limited time). The success of "Viva La Vida" alone has pushed their current album to sell over 2 million copies in the United States.

#2 - "I Kissed a Girl" by Katy Perry: And the award for newcomer artist of the year goes to Katy Perry! Although the song deals with a taboo subject, it's catchy and downright fun. It reminds me of the song "Stacy's Mom" released a few years back by Fountain's of Wayne in that it deals with a touchy subject yet it's so much fun to sing along to. Even though 2008 was Katy's breakout year, I have a feeling we'll be hearing a lot about her in the years to come.

And with the "Songs I Dig" 2008 song of the year:



#1 - "I'm Yours" by Jason Mraz: "I'm Yours" was probably the most played song in 2008 in addition to it being one of the best (and the very best if you value my opinion). The folksy-jazzy sound of the song really makes it a fun one to listen to. One of the things I like about Jason is that his music is always upbeat and positive. It's a song that I know pretty much by heart now and it will remain one of my favorites into the new year.

And there it is, your top ten songs of 2008. Nothing scientific went into this as it's based on my own opinion. I must say all of these songs I enjoyed listening to most and some I listened to more than others. But that wasn't the deciding factor in who got #10 and who got #1. Radio play and general public popularity also factored into my decision. I hope you enjoyed my selections and agreed with the placements. Be sure to look forward to more "Songs I Dig" blogs in 2009!

Ringing in the New Year

So I didn't do anything extravagant for New Years Eve - just took things easy and watched all of the festivities from the comforts of home. I don't know about you, but whenever the countdown begins towards the new year, a sense of joy comes over me. Then as the clock hits midnight, chills come over my body. I don't know what it is; the pure excitement of a new year starting or just the fact that it's like a clean slate for everyone to start over again. And with the way 2008 turned out for a lot of people, maybe 2009 will turn out to be that much better for a lot of people. For me, celebrating the new year in the quiet comforts of home is rather enjoyable, to be honest. I've never been one for the party scene, so it's only fitting.

We are now into 2009 and I have to think, where have the years gone? You know what they say about aging, the years just go by faster and faster. It's unfathomable to me that we are in the final year of this decade. 2010 starts a whole new decade and by the time 2019 comes around, we will all be that much older. Ugh, enjoy each and every year while you can and don't take things for granted. This present decade was a pretty memorable one; from graduating high school, starting college, living on my own, graduating college, and living an independent life and earning my own money by working full-time. Of course there are goals such as buying my own home and starting a family that still need to be achieved. But it's only a matter of time before those important goals come to fruition.

I remember when the year 2000 was a huge deal for the entire world. We weren't sure if our electronics and technology could handle the conversion to a new millenium. If it couldn't, we could be sent hurdling towards a new dark age. Obviously that was blown way out of proportion and our transition into a new millenium was a very smooth one. Hard to believe that was already nine years ago. And the whole "party like it's 1999" craze was exactly ten years ago. WILD! Like I said, where have the years gone?


Please be sure to check out my latest edition of the "Songs I Dig" blog. I had started composing it on 12/29/08 and just finished it this evening. That is why it is showing up in the December 2008 archive. Here is a handy link to go back to this specific blog entry: Luke's Ponderings: Songs I Dig - 12 . You can also scroll down just a few entries down to find it, as well.